Dr's who show no compassion

I rant seldom, or at least try not to, but for all those out there like myself, here I go!

In 1992, I began showing signs of auto immunity.  Wish I still could use the, life long doc I had at the time now, but he's 6 hrs away.  I fought through diet, rest, "stress control", lol to maintain, while raising three children and working full time as a nurse and once I had all my kiddos in school, I returned working toward my BSN.  Life got in the way and have never been able to complete that goal.  But, that's not the point.

In 2005, the pain was taking its toll, so in desperation, I sought help.  My primary doctor at the time rx vicoden, an NSAID, and methotrexate.  The second dose of the methotrexate caused what the called "polyneuritis".  I could barely walk, every nerve ending felt as though they were on over drive and for three years the nerve pain alone, despite medications was a living He'll.  

As a nurse I hear and know the stigma attatched to anyone too weak to not need pain management.  After being tossed around from on specialist to another, with little success, my naivity wisened up and I found myself austersized by doctors, of which Id known and worked with for years.

After failed attempt after failed attempt, I landed in a Rheumatologist's office in Oklahoma City.  I tried other biologics, but the treatment was worse than the disease, for myself.  Do not think i'm saying they haven't helped many, but for myself...being sick and on antifungals and antibiotics, throwing up all the time...I stopped.

By late 2006, I found a pain mangement doctor, who saved my life.  But, my insurance only pays half for drugs that are very expensive and needed to do something.  So, I went and explained my problem and stated I could no longer afford the $350 fentynel patch and the $300 a month lyrica.  He took me from 75Mcg/hr changing patches every 48 hrs to 50mcg/hr for 4 days, 50 mcg/hr for 4 days, to 25 mcg/hr and stopped.  After close to seven yrs on a drug that is not only given as concious sedation for medical procedures, but 100 times more potent than morphine.

I asked for xanax or something to help, but was told "I only prescribe that if I send you to a psychiatrist".  I went nine days of Hell before I could get into a nurse practioner's office who worked pain management for years and shook his head only saying, "that's was very cruel" .  He. Offered a referral to a new pain management facility to lower my does and help me transition more slowly, but by that time I was so angery about being set up to fail, I replied, "it will be a cold day in He'll before I put on another patch!  I'd asked several times to reduce and try to make a go without it, but not one P.A./ Dr would.

After researching fentynel withdrawels, I've found it can take 8 months for your body to recalibrate.  The nurse practitioner gave me xanax and although it's still hard, made all the difference and I can control the dose I need.

I haven't decided what I plan to do regarding the pain doc, but for all the other victims of uncaring physcicians, know, you have a voice and until you use it, you too will find yourself in a loop that has no end.  For all you doctors and nurses, what is the difference of a person having disease that manifest pain and prevents you from enjoying life without controlled meds vs an uncontrolled patient with high blood pressure on four or five meds?  Stop judging us as drug seekers and realize we are seeking life and one worth living...not meds!